he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
