Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
