epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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