Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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