so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
