I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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