she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
