You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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