He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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