Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
