I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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