Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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