I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
