You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
