I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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