Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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