Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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