great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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