i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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