just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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