All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize