Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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