FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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