whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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