I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
