i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
