life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
