bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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