nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
