Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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