LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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