"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
