alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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