Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
