***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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