when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
