I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
