i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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