dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
