I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
