Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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