My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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