When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
