you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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