dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
