I puked a lego.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
