i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
