Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
