Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
