11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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