hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
