Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
