Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
