I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
there is glitter all over my balls
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