that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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