I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
