kristin has been a bad kristin
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
