I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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