You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Let's get the cat blown out
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
